Aug. 17th, 2008 | 04:54 am
Jul. 8th, 2008 | 09:06 am
listening to: miley cyrus, LOL
i will be back for awhile.
i don't think anyone really gives a shit that i'm moving,
because so far I have no plans.
i just want to spend some time with everyone before I leave,
and it's like nobody really cares at all.
i think some people are pissed at me for my choices.
Jul. 7th, 2008 | 04:13 pm
listening to: say anything
i'm still a child in so many ways
I'm very much in love.
my mind is warped due to your failure to comply, everything's fucked and you are lacking the compassion that i never asked for but always hoped was there. beyond the hatred and the never ending fights, beyond all that, somewhere. But it was this that I longed for which I never found. Oh, well. No harm done. I am SICK I am SMALL and I am ruined after all. And we continue to dance this dance and play this game as if it's just another ticket-your lottery, sorry! Looks like you're still STUCK with me--defiant, misshapen, and completely messed up. To everyone who loved me I am sorry for so many things. I have infected your lives and spread my filth, I have planted my guilt and now I sit back and watch for yet another devastating explosion. BOOM.
alot is going to happen in the next few months.
i'm actually really, really scared.
but i can't back out now, so here i go.
Jun. 28th, 2008 | 01:41 pm
10 bucks says you don't have it in you to conquer fear
[ I whine, alot... ]
My self esteem has been fucked, lately. More so than usual. I have become so self conscious and so easily upset, I cannot watch a stupid tv show about starving anorexics or even something as lame as ANTM without subconsciously comparing myself to the supermodel strutting around the screen, I will starve myself and excersise like it's my job. If someone looks at my girlfriend for too long, I immediatly get the undying urge to spike their beverage with a dose of the strongest rat poison that I can get my hands on, I will become annoyingly territorial or I start to doubt myself and go into a full blown downward spiral of self loathing. I have virtually no self confidance as to my physical appearance, I insult myself constantly. I can find something to hate about every part of my body. I want more than anything to leave my nervous tendencies behind and live without the constant sick feeling in my stomach and the worries that control my every thought feeling word action...but I'm not an idiot. I know that I will never be capable of that. I will never allow myself to believe that a compliment someone has given me is real, I cannot believe that any of my friends truly love me and care for me the way I do for them, because I do not understand why they would want to. It takes alot of convincing to get me to believe in anything. I will deny things over and over and it takes so much to break me down. In some cases, it may never happen. I am stubborn and indifferent and nervous, almost one hundred percent of the time. It is very easy to hurt my feelings, although you will never know that what you've said has affected me in any way. I will laugh and I will go off on my own list of insults, I will say "oh my god, i am so fucking stupid" and that will be that. I hide my emotions well, and I rarely admit to being upset if something is bothering me. However if someone I know is upset, or depressed, or just needs to talk I will always be there to listen. I try my hardest to make the people I love happy all of the time, because I hate to see them sad. I am extremely empathetic, I pick up on people's energy and emotions and if someone I know is depressed, oftentimes I find that I will be right there with them. I tend to have negative effects on people, I've noticed that the people I hang out with will start to engage in self destructive behavior, or go on crazy diets and become fascinated with extreme weight loss. It's like a mind control power that I never asked for in the first place. It's like I'm always the villian and I never get to play the hero, even though that's the only part I've always really wanted.
I hate to break this to you but being a coward is not a legitimate career